


SOLDIER Crack

by angelgirl132, rewind_and_replay



Series: The archives of fanfiction 2000-somethings [3]
Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Goodbye Sephiroth, Humor, Other, Parody, Pls don't kill me, RIP Cloud, Sorry Zack, its based on actual conversations we had while roleplaying, the archives of 2013 and fanfiction.net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:03:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9898250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelgirl132/pseuds/angelgirl132, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewind_and_replay/pseuds/rewind_and_replay
Summary: Silly scenes between our favorite heroes from FF7. Involves some yaoi, a lot of crack and randomness~





	

  1. **Attention span**



Surprisingly, for once in his life, Zack was behaving quietly while they were waiting for the truck to drop them off for the mission. Angeal was counting the minutes in his head.

 

‘Aha!’

 

He sighed. Almost full five minutes of peace. That was a new record. His protégé wasn’t known for subtlety anyway and he had almost gotten worried. But it seemed that whatever had been bothering Zack had been resolved.

 

‘Yes, Zack?’ he questioned with a sense of dread.

 

‘So, I could start it with _Lazard was sitting in his office_ -, but no, no, no that sounds kinda stupid.’

 

‘What…? Zack, pay attention to the mission!’ Angeal resisted the urge to rub his forehead.

 

‘I _am_ paying attention!’ his student whined. ‘Not that anything’s happening yet anyway...’ he muttered under his breath. However, Angeal’s hearing was better than most, so he didn’t miss it. Mentally rolling his eyes, he decided to let it slide.

 

However Zack wasn’t done yet. ‘Now, can someone tell me how long Lazard’s hair is?’

 

Angeal decided to ignore him.

 

  1. **Depression**



Cloud was vacantly staring at the ceiling of the room. ‘And the lights flickered in and out, and in, and out...’

 

‘Gah!’ Zack couldn’t take it no more.

 

Cloud blinked and turned his head slightly to look at him. ‘What?’

 

‘It’s just so depressing!’ he said.

 

‘Huh? That’s not depressing!’

 

‘Yes it is!’ he looked at him with concern. ‘It’s like whatever you say is depressing!’

 

‘Is not!’ Cloud glared at him as best as he could. It was really quite adorable and Zack had to resist the urge to coo at him, lest he got skewered.

 

Sephiroth, who had been mostly ignoring them both up until this point, shuffled his paperwork and turned his look to them. ‘You know,’ he began thoughtfully, ‘Zackary does have a point.’

 

‘Oh shut up, Silver Princess!’

 

Oooohhhh, Zack winced. Cloud must have had an even worse day than he thought if he was talking to Seph like that, even though it was kinda funny to see Cloud’s eyes grow huge when he realised what he had just said to the General.

 

‘Ouch, Spike! Burn...’

 

Sephiroth just started, amusedly.

 

  1. **Manliness**



‘Oh Zack!’

 

‘Oh Cloud!’

 

Both men clung to each other as they started weeping like five-year olds.

 

Angeal turned around and left.

 

‘ _Not today_.’ He thought.

 

  1. **Hidden Desires**



‘Cloudia!’

 

Cloud glared at Zack, murderous intent in his eyes. ‘I will kick you.’

 

‘Okay... But do you still have that dress?’ he held his hands up in surrender as Cloud’s glare increased tenfold. ‘It’s an honest question, I swear!’

 

Cloud sighed and slumped. ‘No. I burned it.’

 

‘Aww that’s too bad! Seph mentioned he wanted to see you in it-...’ he squawked at the sight of the sword that Cloud suddenly had in his hands.

 

  1. **Pink Phobia**



‘You know,’ Zack began thoughtfully, ‘I once saw a pink apple...’

 

Silence answered him.

 

However, Angeal seemed to be considering if he should take his student to Science Department’s mental ward for a check-up.

 

‘I was scared...’ he continued.

 

Angeal decided to schedule the appointment for the next Monday.

 

  1. **Unknown Hiding Spots**



‘Hug me, Cloud!’ Zack sobbed and Cloud did as told. More weeping followed.

 

‘Say... wanna go to Mexico?’

 

‘Yes please...’ Cloud answered in a small voice.

 

Angeal decided to make an appointment for Cloud too.

 

  1. **Misunderstandings**



Cloud leaned against a nearby wall and cursed his luck. ‘Oh, fuck me,’ he muttered.

 

‘Can I?’ Sephiroth, who had happened to be nearby, asked with amused smirk.

 

‘NO!’

 

  1. **Phobia**



‘Zack,’ Cloud said with a long-suffering sigh. ‘There’s a crisp in your hair.’

 

Zack blinked at him, before touching the strands with an almost-panicked look on his face. ‘...It’s not alive, is it?’

 

Cloud honestly questioned why he even was friends with the guy.

 

  1. **Look-Alike**



‘I like the feeling of my soft, blonde locks...’ Cloud said sleepily.

 

‘Chocobo locks!’ Zack exclaimed like he had suddenly found all the answers he had ever been looking for.

 

‘...Eh?’

 

  1. **Secrets**



Zack stared hard at his reflection in the mirror, craning his neck to all sides. ‘I don’t have that hickey anymore, do I, Spike?’

 

From Cloud’s point of view he didn’t see anything so he just gave a shrug. ‘No Zack, you don’t.... Want another one?’

 

‘Maybe later Spike... When Midgar sleeps.’

 

  1. **Prison Life**



Zack stared thoughtfully at his chipped nails. He knew he should be paying attention to their surroundings and search for possible escape routes...but something just kept bothering him.

 

‘Spike, I think I should get nail polish.’ He scratched at his chipped nail with another chipped nail.

 

‘ _A_ nail polish, Zack.’ Cloud had given up by that point and just wanted to take a nap before their inevitable rescue.

 

‘Nooooo, a LOT!’ he gestured excitedly. ‘Nail polish from all over the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!’

 

‘...I hate my life...’ Cloud heard the prisoner mutter from the cell next to theirs and had to muffle a snort. Just another day of being Zack’s friend.

 

  1. **Daily Troubles**



‘It died!’ Zack stared at Angeal. ‘You killed it!’

 

‘No Zack,’ Angeal said slowly. ‘I am sure the bowl is okay...’

 

  1. **Scooby Doo...Where Are You?**



‘Hey Cloud,’ Zack turned his head to better see him. ‘What do you think; could we find the real Scooby Doo?’

 

‘Nope Zack, that’s impossible.’ Cloud said carefully. He turned Zack’s way after he didn’t receive an answer, other than dead silence.

 

Zack was staring at him, lower lip trembling. ‘...All my childhood dreams just died. Shattered!’

 

  1. **Attention Span II**



‘Ya know,’ Cloud stared up in space. ‘When I have dreams, the sky is white.’

 

‘Not mako green?’ Zack asked, tentatively.

 

‘No, more like everyone-is-dead-the-apocalypse-is-upon-us white.’

 

‘...Not mako green?’

 

‘Noo, and even if I dream of winter it feels like it’s summer.’

 

‘...No mako green?’

 

Cloud turned to glare at him. ‘Are you even listening?’

 

Zak was obviously in his own little world. ‘Mako, mako, mako; ...still sounds like a bird... MAKROO, MAKROO!’

 

Cloud went back to staring in space.

 

  1. **Too Much Information**



‘So, Spike.’

 

Cloud sighed. ‘What is it, Zack?’

 

‘Does Jenova have like... tentacles?’

 

‘...Yes.’

 

Zack went very, very quiet.

 

Cloud put down his military strategies book – not that it was particularly interesting or useful anyways – and turned to Zack who seemed to be lost in some sort horrifying realization.

 

‘...Zack?’

 

‘...HUG ME!’

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah...
> 
> Thanks for dropping by~


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